JOKES

Jokes just about Bartending, Drinking and On-Premise.

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BAR DRINKER'S
TROUBLESHOOTING CHART

	BARTENDER.COM'S TROUBLESHOOTING:

SYMPTOM:	Beer is unusually pale and tasteless.
CAUSE:	Glass empty.
REMEDY:	Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:	Beer tasteless and front of your shirt is wet.
CAUSE:	Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.
REMEDY:	Retire to nearest restroom and practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM:	Feet cold and wet.
CAUSE:	Glass being held at incorrect angle.
REMEDY:	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM:	Feet warm and wet.
CAUSE:	Improper bladder control.
REMEDY:	Make the excuse that you were previously standing next to a dog and then proceed to complain about its house training. Request another beer to calm your nerves.

SYMPTOM:	Floor blurred.
CAUSE:	You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
REMEDY:	Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:	Floor moving.
CAUSE:	You are being carried out.
REMEDY:	Ask if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM:	Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
CAUSE:	You have fallen over backward.
REMEDY:	Have someone tie you upright to the bar until your designated driver is ready to leave and bring you home.

SYMPTOM:	Mouth contains cigarette butts.
CAUSE:	You have fallen forward.
REMEDY:	See above.

SYMPTOM:	Room seems unusually dark.
CAUSE:	Bar has closed.
REMEDY:	Confirm your home address with bartender and have someone call you a taxi.

Buy the Book
and keep it handy
for future reference behind the bar!

Bartender: Want to add to our troubleshooting guide? Click <here> to use our form for your " Bar Drinker's Sympton/Cause/Remedy".
	VIEWER EMAILED TROUBLESHOOTING:

SYMPTOM:	Your dad is acting weird and your brothers stare at you with curiosity.
CAUSE:	You walked into the wrong house.
REMEDY:	Ask wether someone can indicate where yours may be.
	~Submitted by: Mateo R., Cafe Habana, Philadelphia, PA

SYMPTOM:	The club is moving, people are wearing white and the music is very repetitive.
CAUSE:	You are in an ambulance.
REMEDY:	Don't move. Possible drunk vomiting.
	~ Mateo R., Cafe Habana, Philadelphia, PA

SYMPTOM:	You hear peoples voices with a mysterious echo.
CAUSE:	Your glass is up against your ear.
REMEDY:	Stop clowning around!
	~ Mateo R., Cafe Habana, Philadelphia, PA

SYMPTOM:	You're all alone at the bar.
CAUSE:	You are loud and annoying, everyone left you and moved to a table.
REMEDY:	Buy a round for everyone and be quiet.
	~ Kristin Schuster.

Buy the Book
and keep it handy
for future reference behind the bar!

SYMPTOM:	The current joke format is boring and lacks personality.
CAUSE:	You changed it.
REMEDY:	Go back to the old one where the jokes were good or silly or even stale, but you knew "Someone" in Bismark, ND posted it.
	~ "Someone" in Bismark, ND
	(Go to: Bartender's Bulletin Board -- It's still there!)

SYMPTOM:	At a local pub, and you noticed that the only available girl looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the down.
CAUSE:	All the good ones are taken!!
REMEDY:	Drink till she looks like a supermodel. (Don't worry girls, it works in reverse for you too!)
	~ Louie Ledezma, Kiko's, Harlingen, TX

SYMPTOM:	Bar suddenly has porcelain chandellier.
CAUSE:	You have fallen under the toilet.
REMEDY:	Wait for friends to stop laughing, then ask to help you up and take you home.
	~ No name email sender.

SYMPTOM:	Beer tastes sweet and lemon-y.
CAUSE:	You have ordered "sissy-beer" (lite or non-alcoholic?).
REMEDY:	Ask bartender to forgive you and and to suggest a more manly drink.
	~ Trevor Trainer, Huntsville Marriott, Madison, AL

SYMPTOM:	When attempting to walk, face hits floor.
CAUSE:	Butt of a cruel joke.
REMEDY:	Untie shoe laces.
	~ Laura Harrison, Dixon, WY

SYMPTOM:	You have been told to leave the bar.
CAUSE:	You have been a jerk of momentous proportions.
REMEDY:	Apologize readily and inform the bartender immediately that she/he is entirely too much goddess/ god for tolerating you for such an extended amount of time.
	~ Wanda Griffis, Bartender/Goddess@ Jessie's Lounge, Starke, FL.

Buy the Book
and keep it handy
for future reference behind the bar!


SYMPTOM:
CAUSE:
REMEDY:

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Please remember: Not to drink in excess. Moderation is the key word. Good judgment for yourself and your guests is most important to any successful party. Drinking and driving do not mix! The cocktail recipes herein are for your pleasure. Enjoy in moderation. Cheers! -Ray Foley, Foley Publishing Corp.